Friday, August 13, 2010

always worth fighting for

I sit here in tears as I come to the realization that sometimes it is the things that matter most in this world that require the most from us.

Just as, spiritually, we must fight to maintain our faith and integrity... and just as, relationally, we often need to fight for our friends, our family, and our marriages... though it is extremely difficult at times, and we feel defeated, deflated, and desperate... it is in those moments that God is calling us to stand strong and fight. And even when we lose all our own strength, if we endure, we will succeed because it is through our weaknesses that He is made strong. Just as Aaron held up the arms of Moses as thousands of Hebrews crossed the Red Sea: we can not do this alone. Our strength is often not enough, but we can do ALL things through Christ who GIVES us the strength to endure, to hold up our arms, and keep fighting for what matters most.

I have seen many dear friends and family endure through their own battles, and I can only imagine how difficult it can be for them at times. But I have also seen Christ glorified in the midst of those wars- I have seen His strength shine through when all else seems hopeless.

My battles may be small in comparison to many, but I can relate to the fight. The yearning, the despair, the struggle that comes when we raise up our swords and take just one more stroke, endure one more blow to our shield of faith... and even though we question ourselves and our abilities... we keep going, because we trust Him.

Right now, a current struggle for me is my pregnancy. I am aware that millions of women have gone before me and succeeded, and in that I take great comfort. I'm also aware that things could be much worse, and I am certainly thankful for the blessing God has given us.
But it is also a battle. Or, rather, I should say I feel as if I am a firefighter: putting out one blaze after another. Barely taking a few breaths before the next spark flares up. Most have been small and silly and insignificant, but right now it is my world. My blinders are on, and my hormones are in full swing, and just about everything relates to 'baby' in one form or another.

But even in the midst of these little fires, even through the smoke and darkness, I still find joy in knowing that I am fighting for something: or more specifically, someone. Someone tiny and helpless and needs me to be strong and keep going. Someone who knows not what I struggle with, and probably will never know or appreciate me for it.
Just like God is towards me, someone who often doesn't see Him carrying me and caring for me, and I am often thankless or unappreciative of what He has done and what He is doing for me daily. Yet He keeps fighting for my heart, caring for our needs, and offering His strength.

My little one needs to see that in me so that they may also see Christ. Long after birth, after its first birthday, after adolescence: our child needs to see God's strength in us. They need to know that they can not do it alone, and even though we, as their parents, will fight for them... we will fail and disappoint eventually. But Christ will carry them long after we are able to, long after we are gone.

And that is why I fight, that is worth fighting for. I'll keep fighting the silly little fires of throwing up yet one more time, the scary moments of an ER visit, the endless icky feelings in my stomach, the pains in my back, the fears and uncertainties, and the sleepless nights.
I will trust in God to carry me through all of those and what's to come: if just to see our child, one day, trust Him also.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

aliens and turnips

Second trimester is here at last, and, at least for today, I can now say that I might start believing those of you who have been suggesting that these next few months are the best season of pregnancy. Let's hope today stays for a while.
Just a few weeks ago I was still cursing the world for turning me into something that resembled a slug... and I certainly couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel--fearing I would be one of the rare 'lucky' ones who had morning sickness for all nine months. I was heartbroken at the thought of no longer enjoying food--FEARING food, in fact. It was a very depressing thought.
I was even convinced that perhaps I would live in that sickly state forever. Eternally. Never-ending. I wasn't pregnant, I was a host body for an alien who was taking up permanent residence inside of me.

But thank the Lord I have gained perspective since then. I am currently 17 weeks and 3 days along, and today I actually feel about as normal as one can be while carrying a 5 oz. human inside of your body. Ironically, used "turnip" to describe the baby's size. I don't know about you, but turnip would not be the first fruit or vegetable I would use to describe a cute little growing baby in my womb. And, had that description come up a few weeks ago, I may have hurled at the thought (no really, I might have). I prefer to say "large orange". Much cuter. I can grow attached to an orange much easier than a turnip. However, if the Lord gives us a turnip, I am certain we will love him or her just as much as if they were an orange.

We're hoping for an orange though.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Jonathan's first post

This will be short. I just wanted to make an appearance here to start up some writing inertia. A year has gone by since my last blog entry, and just as much time has elapsed since i've written a respectable letter to anyone outside my wife. Writing is not an abandoned art for me, for i still write by hand in my journal often.
So here i am, composing words which i now can expect for my own children to read one day. that's a fascinating thought to ponder.
There was a season in life when the creative stream was frozen in my heart, but not any more. Now, every morning God reveals to me a microcosm of Himself in His Word and in prayer. If i wrote a paragraph of each one i would have written a couple hundred pages over the last three years. Alas, i cannot dig from the past in that great of detail. And i have not closed the net of paper and ink over all the last months' revelations.
One idea remains that relevant to the title of this blog.
I sometimes mentally trace back major events of my life to the first day that climax was begun. What I have discovered in my secret analyses is that each event in my life is a consequence of something from before. Whether a new attitude that exhibits itself seemingly spontaneously something as tangible as a piano piece i perform, everything has a cause. As i wonder at the future my child might have, i am beckoned to appreciate this truth I learned. Everything I do in my child's life is a cause to something, and who he or she becomes is the sum of all the causes which befall him. For the first 10 years, the chief of these causes will be his parents.
So i feel ready to take on fatherhood seriously. As God my Father knows my days for all eternity, so i am obligated to trajectory the days of my children as I prepare to hand them off to their Heavenly Father.
That's my thought i take from this week
So God, help with with that.